Negative statements about me or the work I'm doing have an impact on my life. I would like to be a soaring free spirit with the super power of being instantly able to let words burn right through without leaving an impression.
The truth is I am uncomfortable with criticism, which makes it difficult to move in the direction I would like to go. It steals my thunder, my passion, my giddy, hope-filled perception that I'm on the right path. Here's a fresh observation from someone close to me:
"You spend a lot of time online."
For someone who just enjoyed over seventy happy birthday wishes and was feeling uplifted by that, the observation from my friend brought me low. A question about the true definition of friendship followed. For non bloggers, online friendships might appear to be "false" friendships, because one's true identity is not revealed. For the non blogger, it appears impossible that the real person behind the keyboard is able to represent themselves authentically, even if that is their intention.
But back to that little bugger of an observation....
"You do spend a lot of time online."
So I had to ask myself,
Have I become addicted to the virtual online world?
It was a slap, a wake up, and I'm still coming to terms with it. I want to just let it burn through so I can proceed on the inspiring path I walk. I love blogging and I enjoy facebook. Even with those habits, I am adept at caring for myself, my son and his education, my husband, our home, our meals, our pets, my business and our community service. I even reach out regularly to my neighbors. There is so much support in my online community that I have been able to make significant and positive changes, the latest being my quest for fitness. I might even venture to say that without the positive energy I receive from my online friends, I might not be brave enough to keep reaching out and discovering the world or my community. I am becoming a fearless learner, and this is exciting!
So I tried a little experiment. On Sunday I took a Sabbath day. I did not sit in front of the screen for a single second that day. When Elliot asked me to look something up, I explained that today I was taking a break from the screen, just like when he needs to take time away from video games when they are being overly used. I wanted to learn if I would have withdrawls like the ones I experienced when I was quitting smoking.
Several times during the day, I was very tempted to check for messages. I did feel a little "cut off." But I also noticed how quickly those urges passed, and how much I enjoyed staying on task with my daily work. But when Richard came home, he observed that I was a little "edgy."
Perhaps I was so deeply connected to my inner self from the quiet that arose in my mind during the Sabbath, that his voice and his reports about the day at work felt disruptive.
I learned that spending a large block of time only with myself and my thoughts was like a day at the spa.
It cleansed and renewed and refreshed my soul.
I don't know whether or not I am addicted to my online community, but if I am, it feels healthy to me. The people whom I've come to know as "real" friends are people who give positive encouragement and share inspirational, uplifting ways to live. I love them. They are not afraid to share their vulnerability or humanity.
What do you experience when someone's observation feels hurtful? Are you able to let it burn through you without leaving a lasting impression?
I'm trying to get over the tendency to play defense and let it pass.
Today I'm also keeping a log to measure my time spent online. As Gretchin Rubin from The Happiness Project writes "if you want more or less of something, measure it."
I, too, am one who has been immeasurably blessed by my online friends and community. It's too hard to adequately explain it to those who are not a part of it. If it enriches me, makes me a better, more compassionate person, and thus enriches the people around me, I want it in my life.
ReplyDeleteOf course, even good things require moderation, and I think you've found the key to that.
You are one who adds so much, Jenny, just by being you, to our online world!
Hi Shelly, I love what you say about the way our friends enrich us, which translates into us being able to enrich those within our immediate surroundings. Thank you for also adding to that mix, and for the way you share the light!
DeleteHi Jenny. Like you , I'm not too good with criticism. I do tend to take it very personally . I have good friends that just don't understand the whole Facebook/blogging thing. Well, each to their own, but it is their loss, not to be involved with this wonderful blogging community. I consider my bloggy friends to be very much 'real ' friends. After all, we are often in contact with them more than we actually see our 'real' friends. After all, they know all about our families and we know about theirs . They are supportive, loving, encouraging . They can be sad with us and share in our happiness. I feel blessed to have you all in my life . Yes , we probably all spend a little too much time online , but , overall, I think the whole community is a good thing to have in our lives. Thank YOU for YOUR friendship sweet Jenny.
ReplyDeleteHi Dearest Thisisme, I'm so relieved to know that I'm not alone in having people close to me who just don't understand about the reciprocal blessings of having blogging friends. It's not very easy to connect to people through spoken conversation alone. Writing adds a new dimension. Writing is time consuming. But to me, it is worth more than gold to be able to have this medium in my life.
DeleteI find myself continually trying to describe my friendships in our blogging community. I fear I come up very short, as most people after I give my thoughts and feelings just look at me with a perplexed expression or a slight look of amusement in their eyes.
ReplyDeleteThe closest I've been able to explain it is we are like Pen Pals of yore. I do feel a true connection with you and the others in our community. I worry about my blogging friends and their family the same as I do my friends and family I have in my day to day 'physical' world. Perhaps it IS the spiritual feel of our friendships that makes it ring true and kind? Whatever it is, I agree with you Jenny, if you haven't experienced it you probably have a hard time understanding it. I cherish our friendship and look forward to your successes and hearing about Elliot's Ninja project and all the comings and goings in your lives.
I take criticism probably as poorly as anyone. Sooner or later I reconcile myself to it is NOT my problem but in the eye of the beholder so to speak, lol.
Looking forward to our continued ring of friendships...
Much Love...
Dear Sush, Your comment today has filled me with goodness and light. Thank you for expressing such a beautiful point; the spiritual feel of our friendships. That's it!!!! Those are the words I needed!
DeleteI also love the idea of "pen pals of yore." My grandmother, who lived in Michigan, had a dear dear sister who lived in Florida. Every week they wrote letters back and forth to one another. They wrote about the weather. They wrote about babies and their sleep habits. They wrote about the ups and downs and the plain old boring details of life. They were the BEST of friends. I always had an easy time choosing a gift for my grandma; it was always some kind of stationary with flowers or birds.
Thank you for waking that memory of my dear grandma in me today. I'm going to carry her in my heart.
I'm not good with either criticism or negative observations - especially when the person really has no idea what they're talking about (i.e. blogger friendships). It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't blog. My opinion? As long as you're attentive to your family, and important people and issues in the "real world," the friendship and solace we receive from associations with our lovely blogger friends is our business. I, personally, have received so much comfort from blogging friends during difficult times in the past few years. Things like our son developing a mental illness. I knew no one to talk to about it until one of my dear blogging friends offered up that she had experienced many of the same things with one of her sons. She, and many others, have been wonderful friends to me, so I don't think at all that I'm living in a fantasy world. I'm experiencing friendships I never would have been lucky enough to have without blogging. A little PS: while I was in Massachusetts, I was lucky enough to play "animals" with Mia and Hayden. They brought out their lovely costumes that you made for them and we had a grand time! Thank you again for sharing your talent with me.
ReplyDeleteHi Karen,
DeleteYour comment really gets to the heart of the issue for me. In the process of being attentive to a family, there's still an element of isolation that happens. I felt isolated for years and wondered what was wrong with me that I didn't have a close circle of friends to help make life brighter. Your story about meeting someone who had empathy for your pain about your son really brings an important message into focus. How many people in the flow of traffic that we encounter (every time we engage in our community by going out) would ever know what you're going through? This alternate way of communication is at the same time deeper and more real than the face we show to the outside world.
And I'm so happy to know that Mia and Hayden are still playing with their Knees and Paws! Thank you for sharing that gift with them!
Thanks for the sweet comment on my blog...I love how we all care about one another. Have a lovely Mother's Day Weekend~
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome Sush! Happy Mother's Day to you also!!!!
Delete