I came into this world equipped and programmed with a system that is still functioning today. I'm naming it my Internal Security Service, or ISS for short.
Just this morning I recognized how it is affecting my life.
You see, like all people raised in a family with the community support of church and school, I am programmed.
For the most part, this programming has been to my great benefit. It has shaped my conscience and behavior and allowed me to enjoy a content life in society.
The ISS has helped me to develop a life that feels relatively comfortable, stable and happy. On the other hand, it has constructed walls and doors with alarm buttons to warn me of dangerous territory. Discovering these doors is a brand new awareness.
Today I discovered my first door, with a giant red alarm button. The name of the button is intimidation, and whenever I act in spite of experiencing a feeling of intimidation, the alarm goes off. If I am brave and walk through the door and keep on walking, the sound fades and I find myself in a new place. It's disorienting at first.
Let me explain. I'm beginning to recognize why I've created patterns of living that have become my circumstances. In some ways I've been negatively influenced by society and have developed the response of wanting to huddle in a sanctuary. All of this home-making business is about creating a peaceful, comfortable sanctuary. And I enjoy this part of my life very much. While enjoying my home, I also recognize that I'm easily intimidated by certain issues. Talk of money is one. My financial health has been stable because of the work my husband does every day. And that's okay with me. As long as I don't fall into the trap of wanting extra material things like new carpet and kayaks. I would like to be a Buddist and release my need for anything, but I'm not there yet.
Someone can say the word "taxes" and my ISS button sounds the alarm. I immediately want to run for cover. My mind rolls out a litany of complaints: "Taxes! Oh no, please let's not talk about taxes! I am ignorant about taxes and I know it involves numbers and you know I nearly died of severe anxiety attacks in math classes!"
It's a fact. Somewhere during my lifetime, I was intimidated either by a math teacher, my parents, the text books or the tests. I developed a strong distaste for all things number related, except for my phone number and address. Today I realized that this is the stupidest fear I continue to feed. I want to kick that door open and keep on walking despite the anxiety and the alarm bells ringing.
Let them ring! Today is the day I'm going to look at my taxes.
There are lots of other things that set off my ISS system. In my new awareness of how the system works, I intend to keep busting through those doors until only the sight of a Tsunami intimidates me.
I'm simply tired of letting things my ISS says limit my life. Self control is healthy and normal. It is safe. It is also sometimes the thing that holds me back from experiencing extraordinary moments.
Today I woke up an ran under the cold stars at 5:30. It was dark and so fresh. It felt like being home in Michigan. There was no traffic and I felt more alive on that dark road under the dim streetlamps than I have in months. When I came home, my face was cold and my heart was happy. What had that ISS been warning me about? That it's dangerous to run in the dark? I kept on going through that door while the alarm bells rang and rang.
I can't wait to notice when that old feeling of intimidation happens again.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Cram-Packed Full Life
I don't know how it happened but I'm starting to feel busy all the time. This is unusual for me. I feel most comfortable when I only have one or two things on my calendar, per month. It's out of character, but lately I keep dividing my time and adding more activity.
Maybe this means I'm gradually joining the land of the living after being a hopeless, insecure closet smoker.
In any case, being out in the world is good for me. And for Elliot too. We've done so many wonderful things this week that we're sleeping great and waking up refreshed and ready for more.
After joining a home school group, we were invited to lunch on Monday, which led to a visit and playdate on Wednesday. We had Tae Kwon Do on Tuesday and Thursday. Elliot is also taking a pottery class and an acting class at the downtown Cultural Arts center. Surprisingly, I've managed to divide my work-outs to two per day, which is easier on my joints than spending an hour or more in one running session on the treadmill.
The weather has been so beautiful that in the evenings we've headed out to the woods. I was uplifted by the realization that my stamina is returning, along with a feeling of deep appreciation for our trails again. For a while we were going out so much that I was beginning to feel bored and uninspired. Nature should never feel that way and I'm happy to say that my sense of wonder is returning. I can't describe the freshness of the air or the fragrance of newly emergent life on the decomposing leafy floor. It is aroma therapy of the best kind.
Still, through all of this, I can't seem to shake the nagging internal critic who has been ruthless in her abuse of me. She keeps telling me to get a make-over. In the afternoon, she begs me to buy nice new clothes, to cut and dye my hair, to buy new make up and wear it every day. She keeps nagging me to redecorate the sad looking rooms in my house and to put that sewing machine to more practical uses like making new pillows for the wretched couches and drapes for the scandalously naked windows. She keeps telling me to buy some house plants and put pansies in the pots instead of weeds. I really have not been able to silence her. She wants it all done and she wants it done right now.
Someone once said to put all of that stuff on a list. Maybe that would help. But I also wonder if that inner critic is trying to tell me something important. Maybe she's trying to encourage me to be just a little more self indulgent, because she knows that it's not in my best interest to play the martyr game. She knows what can happen when everything starts to be too much. Maybe she's recognizing that self destructive behavior is on the horizon unless I start to do something totally self indulgent, right now!
So there wasn't much time for blogging this week. Which was probably a relief for my sweet friends who visit so often!
Something good is happening today. I hope it is for you too.
Maybe this means I'm gradually joining the land of the living after being a hopeless, insecure closet smoker.
In any case, being out in the world is good for me. And for Elliot too. We've done so many wonderful things this week that we're sleeping great and waking up refreshed and ready for more.
After joining a home school group, we were invited to lunch on Monday, which led to a visit and playdate on Wednesday. We had Tae Kwon Do on Tuesday and Thursday. Elliot is also taking a pottery class and an acting class at the downtown Cultural Arts center. Surprisingly, I've managed to divide my work-outs to two per day, which is easier on my joints than spending an hour or more in one running session on the treadmill.
The weather has been so beautiful that in the evenings we've headed out to the woods. I was uplifted by the realization that my stamina is returning, along with a feeling of deep appreciation for our trails again. For a while we were going out so much that I was beginning to feel bored and uninspired. Nature should never feel that way and I'm happy to say that my sense of wonder is returning. I can't describe the freshness of the air or the fragrance of newly emergent life on the decomposing leafy floor. It is aroma therapy of the best kind.
Still, through all of this, I can't seem to shake the nagging internal critic who has been ruthless in her abuse of me. She keeps telling me to get a make-over. In the afternoon, she begs me to buy nice new clothes, to cut and dye my hair, to buy new make up and wear it every day. She keeps nagging me to redecorate the sad looking rooms in my house and to put that sewing machine to more practical uses like making new pillows for the wretched couches and drapes for the scandalously naked windows. She keeps telling me to buy some house plants and put pansies in the pots instead of weeds. I really have not been able to silence her. She wants it all done and she wants it done right now.
Someone once said to put all of that stuff on a list. Maybe that would help. But I also wonder if that inner critic is trying to tell me something important. Maybe she's trying to encourage me to be just a little more self indulgent, because she knows that it's not in my best interest to play the martyr game. She knows what can happen when everything starts to be too much. Maybe she's recognizing that self destructive behavior is on the horizon unless I start to do something totally self indulgent, right now!
So there wasn't much time for blogging this week. Which was probably a relief for my sweet friends who visit so often!
Something good is happening today. I hope it is for you too.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Where there's a will...
....there's a way.
Last year, Richard read Lynne McTaggart's The Intention Experiment. He enjoyed it so much that as a family we began to think about the power of positive intention as a way to actively participate in shaping our lives. I did attempt to read the book, but the density of scientific jargon left me with a mere glimmer of an idea about how this is supposed to work. In any case, while I was entering the realm of an online business for the first time, I practiced intention to the best of my ability. The theory is that our thoughts will manifest themselves. So with intention, it's very important to be positive.
Without going into too much detail on that (because frankly, a lot of it is lost on me), I think it's actually working. Two years ago, I had the intention that Knees and Paws would somehow make their way to children in cancer recovery.
With that intention in mind, I actively sought a way to make that happen. I researched hospitals in my area and discovered that I couldn't just show up with an armload of goods. There were policies, closed doors and lots of confusing things to get through.
Then, last week, I received a phone call. The caller explained that they represented the Children's Cancer Recovery Foundation, and wondered if they could count on me for a contribution.
My response took this caller by surprise. "You won't believe me, but I have been waiting for your call! Thank you so much for reaching out! I have been attempting to do just what you're asking for two years! Do you have contact information for the corporate office?"
Before too long, I had everything I needed. Knees and Paws now has a cause.
My intention, or next step, is to create sample sets with professional looking packaging and mail them directly to their location in Hershey, PA.
I also have a few books to put on my reading list, as the founder of the organization sounds like an amazing person. Here's a peek at the mission and background:
Our Mission
Children’s
Cancer Recovery Foundation assists children under age 18 and their
families who are facing the hardships of a cancer diagnosis. The
Foundation focuses on improving the mental, social and emotional
well-being of these families while helping to minimize the devastation
that cancer can cause. A national footprint allows the Foundation to
make a difference in communities, large and small, providing a helping
hand wherever needed.
The Foundation delivers gifts to thousands of children each year through the national Bear-Able Gift Program. Items such as board games, toys, crayons, coloring books, markers, video games, puzzles, teddy bears, craft kits… all sorts of things that make children smile and laugh… are distributed to hospitals across the country. The Bear-Able Gift Program is the largest supplier of gifts to children with cancer in North America.
Families of children with cancer often face financial difficulties. Suddenly, household bills become overwhelming; utilities are in jeopardy of being shut-off or an eviction notice is received. The Helping Hands Fund provides emergency bridge payments directly to the utility companies and landlords, ensuring that each child has a warm, safe place to call home while recovering from cancer.
The Camp Scholarship Program allows children in remission to reconnect with friends and activities in which they love. The program provides funding for a camp of their choice; sports, music, art, science, horseback riding, skiing or whatever activities they missed most during treatment.
Our Founder
Cancer Recovery Foundation International (CRFI) is a group of global affiliated charities, founded by “The Wellness Authority” Greg Anderson in 1984. Cancer Recovery Foundation’s mission is to help all people prevent and survive cancer through “integrated cancer care” which Anderson pioneered. The Foundation is currently established in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom and Germany. The organization is recipient of the “5-Star Best in America Award.”
Greg Anderson was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in 1984. His surgeon gave him just 30 days to live. Refusing to accept the hopelessness of this prognosis, he went searching for people who had lived even though their doctors had told them they were “terminal.” His findings from interviews with over 16,000 cancer survivors form the strategies and action points for what has become an international cancer recovery movement.
Anderson is the author of eleven books including international Best Sellers The Cancer Conqueror; Cancer: 50 Essential Things to Do; and The 22 (Non-Negotiable) Laws of Wellness. His writings have been translated into 31 languages.
I hope you are all having a great start to your week! Thanks for stopping by.
Last year, Richard read Lynne McTaggart's The Intention Experiment. He enjoyed it so much that as a family we began to think about the power of positive intention as a way to actively participate in shaping our lives. I did attempt to read the book, but the density of scientific jargon left me with a mere glimmer of an idea about how this is supposed to work. In any case, while I was entering the realm of an online business for the first time, I practiced intention to the best of my ability. The theory is that our thoughts will manifest themselves. So with intention, it's very important to be positive.
Without going into too much detail on that (because frankly, a lot of it is lost on me), I think it's actually working. Two years ago, I had the intention that Knees and Paws would somehow make their way to children in cancer recovery.
With that intention in mind, I actively sought a way to make that happen. I researched hospitals in my area and discovered that I couldn't just show up with an armload of goods. There were policies, closed doors and lots of confusing things to get through.
Then, last week, I received a phone call. The caller explained that they represented the Children's Cancer Recovery Foundation, and wondered if they could count on me for a contribution.
My response took this caller by surprise. "You won't believe me, but I have been waiting for your call! Thank you so much for reaching out! I have been attempting to do just what you're asking for two years! Do you have contact information for the corporate office?"
Before too long, I had everything I needed. Knees and Paws now has a cause.
My intention, or next step, is to create sample sets with professional looking packaging and mail them directly to their location in Hershey, PA.
I also have a few books to put on my reading list, as the founder of the organization sounds like an amazing person. Here's a peek at the mission and background:
Our Mission
Children’s
Cancer Recovery Foundation assists children under age 18 and their
families who are facing the hardships of a cancer diagnosis. The
Foundation focuses on improving the mental, social and emotional
well-being of these families while helping to minimize the devastation
that cancer can cause. A national footprint allows the Foundation to
make a difference in communities, large and small, providing a helping
hand wherever needed.The Foundation delivers gifts to thousands of children each year through the national Bear-Able Gift Program. Items such as board games, toys, crayons, coloring books, markers, video games, puzzles, teddy bears, craft kits… all sorts of things that make children smile and laugh… are distributed to hospitals across the country. The Bear-Able Gift Program is the largest supplier of gifts to children with cancer in North America.
Families of children with cancer often face financial difficulties. Suddenly, household bills become overwhelming; utilities are in jeopardy of being shut-off or an eviction notice is received. The Helping Hands Fund provides emergency bridge payments directly to the utility companies and landlords, ensuring that each child has a warm, safe place to call home while recovering from cancer.
The Camp Scholarship Program allows children in remission to reconnect with friends and activities in which they love. The program provides funding for a camp of their choice; sports, music, art, science, horseback riding, skiing or whatever activities they missed most during treatment.
Our Founder
Cancer Recovery Foundation International (CRFI) is a group of global affiliated charities, founded by “The Wellness Authority” Greg Anderson in 1984. Cancer Recovery Foundation’s mission is to help all people prevent and survive cancer through “integrated cancer care” which Anderson pioneered. The Foundation is currently established in the United States, Canada, the United Kingdom and Germany. The organization is recipient of the “5-Star Best in America Award.”
Greg Anderson was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer in 1984. His surgeon gave him just 30 days to live. Refusing to accept the hopelessness of this prognosis, he went searching for people who had lived even though their doctors had told them they were “terminal.” His findings from interviews with over 16,000 cancer survivors form the strategies and action points for what has become an international cancer recovery movement.
Anderson is the author of eleven books including international Best Sellers The Cancer Conqueror; Cancer: 50 Essential Things to Do; and The 22 (Non-Negotiable) Laws of Wellness. His writings have been translated into 31 languages.
I hope you are all having a great start to your week! Thanks for stopping by.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Meet Gumbo
Gumbo is a Morkie. I think that means that he's part Maltese, part Yorkie. In any case, it means cute. And fiesty. And wet. (Gumbo is very exited to make friends with everyone, and to show his love, he offers a wet sprinkle.) He loves Richard the most, who has to change every time Gumbo comes for a visit.
Gumbo is the proud owner of our favorite family in Greensboro. He's also Ozzie's best doggie friend. This week, Gumbo had to have some minor surgery and we hope his recovery is going well.
As you might guess, Gumbo's human family hails from New Orleans. I think this must be a great place to grow people...because I've only ever met two genuine New Orleanians and I love them both to pieces! (That includes you, Sush.)
Today is Friday. And Friday means I get to teach our writer's workshop. This week we're going to be talking about character development. I want to thank Shelly for all the wonderful advice and for allowing me to borrow one of her stories for class today. It's going to be the best lesson I've ever taught!
Have a great weekend friends!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Gift of Grace
During one of the most liberating and alternately devastating times of my life, I told my new friend Richard that I felt that God did not love me anymore.
Richard's response was to hug me and speak this phrase softly in my ear. "Of course God loves you, Jenny."
And even though I had been going to church nearly every Sunday of my life, for the first time, I really believed that truth.
That statement helped to restore me to a state of grace that I felt had been irrevocably lost.
In fact, it was the nicest, most empowering thing anyone has ever said to me. The effect of it is still working in my life on a daily basis.
And sometimes relationships are complicated. Sometimes we can end up saying things that hurt. Sometimes it's difficult to find a true place of forgiveness in our hearts. It's difficult until we remember that the person we love and who loves us has said hundreds of other kind, loving things in the past.
Valentine's day is on the horizon.
And instead of worrying about what kind of material gift I could come up with for Richard, I'm going to focus on remembering all of the loving things he's said and done for me.
This week I've posted a Valentine house in the shop with a sample poem that reads:
"In your light I learn how to love.
In you beauty, how to make poems.
You dance inside my chest,
Where no one sees you,
But sometimes I do,
And that sight becomes this art." --Rumi
Richard's response was to hug me and speak this phrase softly in my ear. "Of course God loves you, Jenny."
And even though I had been going to church nearly every Sunday of my life, for the first time, I really believed that truth.
That statement helped to restore me to a state of grace that I felt had been irrevocably lost.
In fact, it was the nicest, most empowering thing anyone has ever said to me. The effect of it is still working in my life on a daily basis.
And sometimes relationships are complicated. Sometimes we can end up saying things that hurt. Sometimes it's difficult to find a true place of forgiveness in our hearts. It's difficult until we remember that the person we love and who loves us has said hundreds of other kind, loving things in the past.
Valentine's day is on the horizon.
And instead of worrying about what kind of material gift I could come up with for Richard, I'm going to focus on remembering all of the loving things he's said and done for me.
This week I've posted a Valentine house in the shop with a sample poem that reads:
"In your light I learn how to love.
In you beauty, how to make poems.
You dance inside my chest,
Where no one sees you,
But sometimes I do,
And that sight becomes this art." --Rumi
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
The Test
This past Saturday, Richard and I were invited to watch Elliot complete his Tae Kwon Do testing for promotion to High Yellow Belt. I was caught up in the energy of this exciting event. I was also completely nervous for Elliot, even though we knew he had been practicing and was confident that he would succeed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Search This Blog