Thursday, May 8, 2014

Why Friendship Break Ups Can Be Healthy

Almost a year has passed since our family experienced a devastating friendship break up.  It was emotionally draining and sad for all of us.  Through that process, I discovered that I have a limit that not even a long term friendship could bear.  Like a bridge under too much weight, I buckled and collapsed.  Then I made sure to seal the deal with some effective writing.

And several months ago, our regular Science Class ended when the teacher accepted a position at a public middle school.  This meant that we would see less of our friends. It felt as though we were in the middle of building strong bonds, then left the construction site unfinished.

In both cases, we've had to learn to stay open and to not cling.

In clinging to one particular friend, pouring all of our energy and time and love and frustration, it is dangerously easy to block out the light of new friends who exist on the perimeter.  Intense, close friendships have a tendency to produce tunnel vision.

It feels healthier for me, and for Elliot, to allow ourselves the space to see a bigger picture.  In this way we become more open to the natural flow of friends in our life.  Some are here for a little while, and that's okay.
The concept of "keeping" friends is not healthy.

Maintaining healthy, happy friendships does require some time and a little attention.  But not so much that the calendar only fills up around the other person's life.  The best friendships feel like freedom.  And this applies to family and spouses too.  Our families can make us feel like prisoners, or they can feel very open and light and free.   Captivity of the heart is a dangerous game.

It also takes a great deal of energy to maintain a thriving enemy relationship.  It would be better to focus on something else that restores the balance.

The middle is the sweet spot.  It's the place for giving and receiving in a natural way.  I'm not sure how to explain this to my nine year old son, who loves people so freely and with a passionate, deep heart.   Attachment has been hard for him.   He clings.  He feels devastated and separate when his love is not returned at the same level of openness and depth.

It's one of those long term lessons that we can only learn through time and experience.  New friends are arriving and older friendships are blossoming, and for Elliot this is a miracle.



8 comments:

  1. What a very thoughtful post today, about friendship. Something for us all to take note of. I'm sure we talked about a similar thing at sometime in the past, when I spoke of a friend of mine of many, many years, but in the end I just couldn't go on with it any more, and, yes, I gained real freedom from that decision. You are also right that it cN prevent us from making new friendships, and who knows what blessings and joy those new friendships may bring. Early in the new year, I made a new friend from Wisconsin and I am amazed at the joy and happiness she has brought to my life. Blessings to you my friend.

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    1. Dear Thisisme, I am delighted to know you have a new friend in Wisconsin! My father was born there, and at one time I lived just over the border in the Upper Penninsula of Michigan. That is one gorgeous state and the people are beautiful. Keeping an open heart to new friends is a wonderful thing to do. Thank you for the kind and thoughtful comment today! Lucky for me, I was open enough at one time to begin this blog...and you and many other loving and beautiful friends arrived.

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  2. A great post. We went down this path in 2012, it takes a long time to heal. Thank you for this post.

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    1. Hi Carla, thank you so much for stopping by! I'm sorry you had to experience that ordeal. It takes longer than we expect!

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  3. That sweet spot you speak of is such a place of blessing and growth that it makes all the failed attempts at friendship fade from memory a bit. When a wonderful friend comes into your life, it is all the more worth it, and you are one of those wonderful friends to me!

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    1. Awww, thank you Shelly! You are also a treasured gift, a beautiful friend who has given me more than I could ever return. I think having friends like you, and other wonderful friends I've met on this journey through the Etsy shop, my blog, and our homeschooling adventure help me to appreciate people and their gifts so much more.

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  4. Oh, what a great comment from our friend Shelly, dear Jannifer;
    I don't think I can say any better. Personally, as I couldn't be blessed with children, I lost contact with some of my old friends when young. But I was happy having a couple of new good friends after 30's. And yes, like you said here I AM really happy having another kind of friend through blog. Thank you SO much for the sweet comment and I DO remember your heartfelt comment when I lost my father.
    Your dear Elliot has grown to be such a wonderful boy♡♡♡ Happy Mother's Day to you, great mother!!!

    Sending you Lots of Love and Hugs from Japan, xoxo Miyako*

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    1. Dear Miyako, thank you so much for such a kindhearted comment. It is so wonderful to know you through our blogging adventures! I hope you have a beautiful week my friend.

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