Sometimes I wonder if all the painful spots of my life are a consequence of times when I couldn't control the little warrior within. Here I am, living over 700 miles away from my mother and my daughter, and truthfully this bothers me. In fact it's a sore spot that hurts if I bump into that inner bruise of homesick.
Yesterday's cool, rain filled day must have primed the pump on those emotions in the well. Maybe it was the phone call from Mom last night, the one where I could hear tears arriving in her voice as she said good night to Elliot. Honestly, if it was only possible to see him twice a year it would break my heart.
Then I looked at the handwritten letter from Emily on the table and wondered if I too will end up being that far-away grandma, sending care packages and love and feeling sad that I'm not there for weekend visits and holidays. I thought the terrible thought that Emily really doesn't ever need to come back here to go to college because if she ever chooses to take on more traditional, accredited learning, there's always online degrees. Maybe she misses us terribly, but never enough to want to make a life here.
And I might just sit here and grow a little grayer feeling lost and full of "there's no hope."
Maybe it was the fact that I was listening to some really sad Irish music, which I love because it is so beautiful and is such a perfect accompaniment to the rain. It brought an epiphany to the surface when Delores O'Riordan sang "there's no need to argue anymore." I guess after every break-up, this is true.
The epiphany was that while I have been learning about the Quaker faith and the value of pacifism, on the outside I look like a pacifist because I don't own any weapons and have no desire to go to war. But on the inside, I have a little warrior who is heavily armed.
Maybe if the little warrior within would put down her weapons, life would change.
A question arose. What if I made a conscious effort to refrain from arguing, in the way that a pacifist refrains from combat? If I just refused to engage? To only speak what needs to be said without throwing up the shield of "I don't agree," and just let it all pass through me.
I look back and remember that the little warrior within fought hard to be released from parental bonds, only to grow wise at the fireside, when the flames died down and the glow from the coals made it safe to scoot closer. Closer to the ones I fought with, closer to the ones I love and miss.