Yesterday we enjoyed the biggest winter event in Greensboro: the annual snow day. A mere inch of fallen flakes closes all the schools, all the after school events, some churches and businesses. After days and days of flooding rain, we were blessed with 3.3 inches of crisp, wet snow that fell in flakes the size of quarters. Elliot immediately went out into the dark night, not minding that underneath the thin surface were puddles of slush. After a little while, I went out too, but didn't run around whooping it up as I did last year. Like an Eskimo that knows all the different qualities of snow, really wet sloppy stuff doesn't excite my heart quite as much. Maybe I am too old and picky and have forgotten how to awaken the sense of wonder in my inner child. Maybe I was just depressed or worn out, having recently wrestled with a life changing decision that turned out not to be my decision at all.
Over the last week, Richard was offered a stellar position at a brand new company that required a long term contract in Singapore. He was ready and willing to go, especially because I decided that I would not stand in his way by holding my ground here. All of a sudden, my conscious was flooded with priorities. Before this offer came, I placed too much value on our home. I realized that stuff is stuff and could be packed away or sold, but living without Richard for much of the year made my heart feel bereft. Elliot would be sad not to have Dad in his life on a daily basis. Sure, we could suffer through it and probably be empowered by our self reliance for a few years, but things would change. A boy will grow up quite a bit in two years time.
On the other side of these thoughts lived the excitement that comes from imagining a grand adventure overseas. If we left everything behind, we would be free to have a life changing experience in a different culture. What an opportunity for growth and learning! It felt like an honor to be included in big plans.
Then later, news arrived that Richard would be asked to work in month long shifts of travel, so that he would not have to move or bring his family.
That didn't sound very fun to me either.
Then, the following day, the Singapore offer was withdrawn completely, a minor opportunity given as a token.
So I am just a tiny bit angry and resentful at having to have ridden this emotional roller coaster for no reason.
After deciding to be brave, I am disappointed that I won't be going on a grand adventure.
But most of all I am completely relived that I get to stay here. It never snows in Singapore.
And God doesn't leave me comfortless. I heard a still small voice telling me, "nothing is standing in your way."
I'm not entirely sure what that means, but I do feel like I have passed some sort of cosmic test.
Maybe I was just meant to wake up and appreciate what is in my back yard.
There is now nothing standing in my way of continuing forward with Knees and Paws, or my alternate journey of writing. And who knows, maybe it will be writing and not airplanes that takes me on a different grand adventure.