I need to clean and sort, to hike and run. I want to throw off the habit of huddling and hibernating. Spring must be coming or I wouldn't have these inner signals that call me to sit up...to be more alert...to open my eyes fully and to celebrate the fact that I am alive.
I am alive and healthy and full of passion and ideas. I have begun taking those rocky, uncertain steps to support myself through creative work. And although I sometimes feel selfish in choosing this path, it is the one job I simply cannot leave.
It's within me.
I carry it around.
I live it.
And that is exactly why I struggle to reset.
Where do you go for a vacation when your workshop is at home and your board of directors are neural pathways in your brain?
I love my new computer and the neat, clean, organized realm of it all. While I sit here blogging, the dust behind me grows. There are closets here that I dread opening. I have a yard full of leaves from last fall.
And this is sort of shameful. Perhaps my reset button needs to be a cattle prod that shouts, Get off your...and get to work!
But then again, if I were still cleaning, sorting, raking and obsessively picking up all the time, there would be no Knees and Paws. There would be no home school for Elliot. We probably would not have our dog.
So, in the end I guess I have grown a little. Progress cannot be measured in how neat the appearance is on the outside. I'm "full to busted" inside with the experience of reaching out to start a business. I grow inside with each new challenge and with the friends I've made.
I will be here :) reset buttons can be hard to find... the feeling of things that need to be done snowballing into a avalanche can be a huge weight. As far the closets and the dust... I remember those days... it seems I could never get a 100% handle on any of them.. by the time one thing was cleaned another needed it. Many times I had people assume that since I was homeschooling my kids that i was home watching tv and eating bon bons all day... thing is.. the scheme of life... the dust is nothing.. now that my kids are almost all moved out.. and down to one cat... when I clean it stays clean.. closets and cupboards stay clean... (dust is still an issue) but i have gone from vacuuming three times a day to 3 times a week. I love this... but I miss how it used to be too. I guess in my long rambling way I am saying to not worry about the dust and just take a deep breath and treasure where you are... do what you feel needs to be done and know that tomorrow brings change. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed that post Jenny. I, too, feel almost as if I'm in hibernation at the moment. Can't really get motivated. Just longing for the longer and warmer days, when I shall be raring to go again! I do know what you mean about blogging and the dust gathering! LOL! Yes, of course, we'll still be here when you've cleaned up the nest. In fact, I think I might take a leaf out of your book and tidy my own nest!!
ReplyDeleteI don't have an answer to your question but boy-o-boy do I ever love this post! I can relate to so much of it -- thanks for putting it into words.
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