I am in the throes of a vertigo inducing identity crisis. I'm sure it will pass? As I acclimate to being "home" again. Maybe it will pass.
I don't know how to explain how overwhelmingly insecure I am right now.
I think it's quite possible that this has come from seeking too many things online.
That somehow in attempting to create work for myself and an income for my family, I stopped listening to the still, small voice.
If I'm not really meant to do this, then what?
I feel old, overweight and useless. What in the world was I thinking?
Who am I really? And why do I continually create situations for myself that involve struggle and doubt?
Maybe this has come from reading my father's resume when I was home. I'm still thinking about it a week later. While we were sustained comfortably by his career as a supervisor at General Motors, we were also sustained by his farming. My dad was an award winning gardener. His resume shows his life's circle, with a beginning and and end in farm work. One job that he left after retirement was working at an automotive dealership. He actually wrote: "left due to boredom and low wages."
Which is the kind of line that gives me an out.
If I choose that.
Here's the cycle of thought going on now:
What did I seek when embarking on the road of academic achievement? Was it only for my inner curiosity?
I might go back to working the soil. Return to the basic existence of growing. In fact I want that so much that it hurts a little inside.
I was once a manager in a beautiful garden center. When it closed, I was completely bereft. Since books had always been a comfort to me in times of insecurity and stress, I sought them again and returned to school.
I suppose the internet has now replaced a great chunk of my book reading. And I am tired. Tired of all the face booking and twittering and even, yes, blogging. I don't mean that I'm tired of the people on blogger, because my friends here are wonderful.
The trouble is that I want so much to be able to commit to something wholeheartedly and believe in it to the very end. There is no security in this endeavor so far. It is entirely whimsical, playful experimentation.
Is it time to attend to something a little more....serious?
Or natural?
What does that line in scripture mean for me..."this too, shall pass?"
Perhaps I can construct something with so many complex little fragments and fit them together in the jigsaw puzzle of my life. Maybe I can make my life... a poem.
She is
here for a moment
certain of her death
wanting to live
to work the soil
to pull the weeds
to feel the sun
and wind. To hike the paths and to kiss her man.
She hurts inside because her daughter is almost an adult. It is the almost that hurts.
The resume a line of slash marks
nanny/ mother/ cook/dishwasher/cashier/ housekeeper / laundry/ driver/ buyer / spender/ grower/landscaper/maintenance technician/ artist/ writer/ reader/ thinker/ believer/ friend/ lover/ daughter/ sister/ neighbor/ volunteer/ teacher/ speaker/ over achiever/ inventor/ owner/seeker/ dreamer/ runner/hiker/ traveler/armchair naturalist/ musician/
I am a jumbled-up mixed-bag of a person...which either makes me somewhat interesting or completely neurotic. I can't just pick one thing.
Someone once said that a Naturalist is a generalist in the field of science.
I am just like that. A generalist. Generally good a lot of things.
But there is this one thing that I hold... just like my dad who wrote on his resume under the column "interests."
"Family. First and foremost."
When you're a mother, it's important to be generally good at a lot of things.
"Family - first and foremost" would most certainly be my motto. I am truly sorry that you are feeling all out of sorts at the moment. It's not a very nice feeling at all. "Old, overweight and useless" are certainly NOT words that I would use to describe you, Jennifer! I feel that you have had this feeling in the back of your mind for quite a while now, as I remember when you were thinking of giving up on the business and perhaps trying for a teaching post. There is an old saying, "unto thine own self be true" and I guess you have to seriously think what it is that you actually want to do in life. Remember, this is not a rehearsal. This is it! I have always found that making the actual decision is the hardest thing. Once you have made that decision, usually there follows a sense of relief that you have actually done something about a certain situation. I do hope that your mood will lift soon and that things will click into place. Sending you hugs my friend.
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ReplyDeleteI'm soo sorry you've come to a crossroad and are feeling the weight of which path to take. I too am feeling a bit of this, but I believe as Thisisme stated "Once you have made that decision, usually there follows a sense of relief" is soo true. I just need to make that decision and hope you do too. Take care my blogger friend and always wishing you the best.
i think you said it all... family - first and foremost. you have to be true to yourself in order to put them first. that may not sound possible and there is a fine line between being self-sacrificing, selfishness (too much "me" time), and putting others first. sometimes, as moms, we have trouble finding that place. i know that what you wrote echoes many of the feelings that i have had. "life" is not for pansies. it's tough. it's a lot of work. somewhere there is a balance and when you find it, you'll feel the sigh of relief.
ReplyDeleteI have been down that same road time and again during my long life and have discovered that the most important thing to stay focused on is family. I also learned that I should never jump into anything impulsively but only after careful thought and prayer. Good luck on your decisions.
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