Thank you so much for the supportive comments in response to yesterday's post. I am comforted by your friendship and insights into the meaning of the word "business person." Grumpy Grateful Mom was wise to ask about the context of the conversation, because only through context can we gain a better understanding.
The person who made this observation is very close to me. I'm happy to say that I'm not letting it harm the solid and caring relationship. In fact, I was brave enough to share with that person that my feelings were wounded and that I was taking some time to process the statement. During that time I wondered if there was truth to be discovered, and whether that truth could help me in the long run. I ruminated at first if it would be best to admit defeat and move on to another path.
The thought of starting over in a new endeavor made me weak, while the thought of simply letting everything "business" related go to concentrate more on home, family, garden and pets was overly idealistic.
I like to have contact with a variety of people and simply living at home makes my life feel incredibly isolated. A happy life for me involves finding a balance between solitude and community.
I think it's true that I'm not a business person. And I'm okay. This revelation is possibly a very good thing. With a little time to gain perspective, a feeling of relief is flooding in. This relief has led to gratitude. I'm thankful and I accept it without any residue of the little wounded child who only wants to be fed compliments and positive reinforcement.
I'm happy knowing this is not an identity I ever need to strive for. (Goodbye little vision of me in business attire in a board room, or an office with my name on the door and the little wire waste basket!)
In the beginning I walked this path in response to a spiritual prompt. I'm on a spiritual path of learning to do something that I never believed was possible. There are many spiritual nudges that happened along the way to bring me here.
I'm following what Quakers call a leading.
The trouble will following a leading is that there are no accompanying textbooks. Each interaction is an opportunity to learn something from another person, or to share something from my mind, my heart and my hands. That's what this is about for me. And while I sincerely enjoy making handmade things at my sewing machine and paper crafting, the first thing that I'm really excited about in the morning is to come downstairs and spend my day with Elliot and Richard, and also write this blog.
From this blog I've learned that the world is not what the evening news told me it was. From this blog I've learned to open up and make friendships, which enrich my life so much more than funds in the paypal account.
Because I'm experimenting, I am free to keep trying new things and open to learning new skills. What if I had been stubborn and continued to only do the things in which I excelled?
One of my English tutors at college who is also a brilliant poet once said,
"I chose this discipline because I feel that I will never master it, and that is what keeps me intensely interested and engaged."
For me, creating is a spiritual exercise that allows me to find that inner quiet place where I can listen to those inner prompts and work through the jumble of feelings about my day.
I don't think that there is one title such as business person that will explain who I really am.
So I'm going to let that mind game go, and remember this quote from Isaac Penington in 1681 who wrote
"Give over thine own willing, give over thine own running, give over thine own desiring to know or be anything, and sink down to the seed, which God sows in they heart, and let that be in thee and grow in thee and breathe in thee and act in thee and thou shalt find by sweet experience that the Lord knows that and loves and owns that and will lead it to the inheritance of life, which is God's portion."