I came into this world equipped and programmed with a system that is still functioning today. I'm naming it my Internal Security Service, or ISS for short.
Just this morning I recognized how it is affecting my life.
You see, like all people raised in a family with the community support of church and school, I am programmed.
For the most part, this programming has been to my great benefit. It has shaped my conscience and behavior and allowed me to enjoy a content life in society.
The ISS has helped me to develop a life that feels relatively comfortable, stable and happy. On the other hand, it has constructed walls and doors with alarm buttons to warn me of dangerous territory. Discovering these doors is a brand new awareness.
Today I discovered my first door, with a giant red alarm button. The name of the button is intimidation, and whenever I act in spite of experiencing a feeling of intimidation, the alarm goes off. If I am brave and walk through the door and keep on walking, the sound fades and I find myself in a new place. It's disorienting at first.
Let me explain. I'm beginning to recognize why I've created patterns of living that have become my circumstances. In some ways I've been negatively influenced by society and have developed the response of wanting to huddle in a sanctuary. All of this home-making business is about creating a peaceful, comfortable sanctuary. And I enjoy this part of my life very much. While enjoying my home, I also recognize that I'm easily intimidated by certain issues. Talk of money is one. My financial health has been stable because of the work my husband does every day. And that's okay with me. As long as I don't fall into the trap of wanting extra material things like new carpet and kayaks. I would like to be a Buddist and release my need for anything, but I'm not there yet.
Someone can say the word "taxes" and my ISS button sounds the alarm. I immediately want to run for cover. My mind rolls out a litany of complaints: "Taxes! Oh no, please let's not talk about taxes! I am ignorant about taxes and I know it involves numbers and you know I nearly died of severe anxiety attacks in math classes!"
It's a fact. Somewhere during my lifetime, I was intimidated either by a math teacher, my parents, the text books or the tests. I developed a strong distaste for all things number related, except for my phone number and address. Today I realized that this is the stupidest fear I continue to feed. I want to kick that door open and keep on walking despite the anxiety and the alarm bells ringing.
Let them ring! Today is the day I'm going to look at my taxes.
There are lots of other things that set off my ISS system. In my new awareness of how the system works, I intend to keep busting through those doors until only the sight of a Tsunami intimidates me.
I'm simply tired of letting things my ISS says limit my life. Self control is healthy and normal. It is safe. It is also sometimes the thing that holds me back from experiencing extraordinary moments.
Today I woke up an ran under the cold stars at 5:30. It was dark and so fresh. It felt like being home in Michigan. There was no traffic and I felt more alive on that dark road under the dim streetlamps than I have in months. When I came home, my face was cold and my heart was happy. What had that ISS been warning me about? That it's dangerous to run in the dark? I kept on going through that door while the alarm bells rang and rang.
I can't wait to notice when that old feeling of intimidation happens again.
Jenny, you are so inspiring. You put things so succintly and they make such wonderful sense. You really are a brave person and you inspire the rest of us to greater bravery.
ReplyDeleteI do find I have more fearlessness as I age and I'm going to remember what you said today to conquer my remaining zones of intimidation/ fear.
Hi Shelly, I had to think about the idea of me being brave. I don't consider myself to be brave at all! I'm brave compared to an earth worm. I'm brave compared to a baby bird that gets shoved out of the nest. Flapping all the way down, fully expecting to die from the experience.
DeleteI share your excitement, Jenny. You haven't been running your brain any differently than most of us do. It's easy to become programmed with fear and limiting belief when the news and entertainment media paint a picture of an extremely hazardous world, one in which there are dire consequences for every risk taken. When you chose to stretch, break through your ISS barrier and go for a run in the dark and the cold, you experienced aliveness. It reminds me of the "300 Club" (not a televangelist program, LOL). At a research outpost in Antarctica, nude participants bake themselves in a sauna set at 200 degrees. They jump up, bolt out the door and run around outside where the temp is 100 degrees below zero. As a result, the hardy individuals experience a swing of 300 degrees in seconds. Another excellent metaphor is walking on fire. I performed fire walks five times during my years in NLP. There's no greater feeling of aliveness than the one you get as you reach the other side of the fire bed. "If I can do this, what else can I do?" Tackling taxes or any other unpleasant task strips them of their power to loom large in front of you. Take back the power and take charge of your life.
ReplyDeleteHi Shady! This is a very thoughtful comment. I'd never heard of the 300 club, and can imagine that being a scientist in Antarctica might inspire such insanity! And FIVE fire walks??? Wow! I felt that feeling of "if I can do this, I can do anything" after my wilderness hike with bears literally standing erect on the trail in front of me. My husband is very proud of me for not passing out, wetting myself, or screaming. I did feel alive and also completely wrecked from so much repeated adrenaline over the course of four days. I'm not a junkie for that kind of thrill. I think a feeling of aliveness always happens when we have a new perspective. When my father was dying, I felt young and alive and almost guilty for feeling that way.
DeleteYour posts are always so thought provoking my friend, and really make us think and keep us on our toes. I can see that you really do think about things very deeply. My younger daughter is very much like that. I don't tend to operate like that, I must admit. I think it is because people like you and my daughter are much more intelligent than I am = always questioning and seaching. Me, I just muddle through each day without thinking too much about it. Keep going through those doors my friend!
ReplyDeleteDiane, I think you are brilliant and intelligent and kind. Thank goodness your mind doesn't operate like mine...life is much gentler without so many tangles to sort through. I need to meditate and think less!
Deleteyou write things in such a way that i can totally see exactly what you're saying and exeriencing. i also have an ISS that i let control my actions way too often. you are inspiring to me and to so many others.
ReplyDeletekeep writing and opening those doors for us.
Hi Teresa,
DeleteThank you for being such a supportive friend! I'm glad that you can connect with my inner ramblings:)
Lovely, powerful post. Good for you!
ReplyDeleteOhhhhhh Jenny! I am someone who has had a problem with numbers, taxes etc all her life. I think one of the reasons I have five children is I just didn't like to count...(just kidding on that one)! I applaud your taking over your ISS. I know it will leave you calmer. I think of numbers and all it holds and I get sweaty hands and start pulling on my hair.
ReplyDeleteGo for it! It will make you a saner person.
Hugs~
Oh, it's such a horrible feeling - intimidation. You keep running though right through those alarm bells and show 'em who's boss!
ReplyDeleteI loved this post and all of the comments following it. It made for a great conversation and shows that many of us are very much alike. There is little more I can add to the thread, Jenny except to say that I really admire your level of self awareness and the way in which you challenge yourself . You are an outstandingly gifted writer!
ReplyDeleteThank you Desiree, for your loving comment. I admire you as well!
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